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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  March 11, 2016 1:37am-2:12am PST

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- and i'm absolutely [bleep] serious. - yeah, duly noted. - truly noted, even. - let's go. - thanks, frank. - good job, goonie. - hey, good dealing out there. - just put these chairs in here. - love the hair, man. friends don't let friends get haircuts. - karate kick. - yeah, bud! - what the frick, man? you did it. oh, wait a second. dude, did you have, like, a card up your sleeve 'cause you've been studying magic for your shows, picked up some tricks? adam: that's smart. - way alpha. - no, actually, i didn't. i just kind of bet it all. yeah, put my nuts on the table, and then i did the damn thing. - so you could've lost everything. - yeah. but who's the alpha dog now? [barks] - i guess we still are, because you only did, like, one alpha dog thing. - and we do alpha shit, like, every day, boy! alpha dogs, sound off! - hoo-rah! [both yelling] - hoo, hoo, hoo! both: hoo-rah! hoo-rah, hoo-rah! hoo-rah!
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- nice. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! (cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! thank you so much, everybody. tonight the author of "love, loss and what we ate," padma lakshmi is joining us! (cheers and applause) first, people -- first, let's get straight into last night's democratic debate. (speaking in foreign language) >> -- bernie sanders. (speaking foreign language)
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trevor: no habla español! (speaking spanish) (laughter) (applause) ai yi yi! if you missed the debate last night, you really missed a great night. not only half of it was in spanish but i love these two going at it. both are super smart, passionate and politically not completely dissimilar. the big difference now between bernie sanders and hillary is bernie sanders is shooting for the stars even if the rocket ship might blow up. and hillary is just, like, let's just fly to akron and get there in one piece. that's what's going on right now. (applause) now, it wasn't like we're both candidates shining bright lights in a field that, let's be honest, is freaking out a lot of people. because over the last few months america has gone from yes we can
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to yes we canada? >> google trends tweeted searches for a move to canada are high than anytime in google history. >> started spiking on super tuesday as the results began rolling in. >> trevor: this is where we've gotten, to america! it's gotten to bad and this is true if you type "move to" google automatically goes to canada. it's like google is saying, we're scared, too! let's go! let bing deal with that maniac! (laughter) makes sense because bing is the only product trump promotes more than himself -- bing, bing, bing! (laughter) (applause) and if you were considering taking the plunge north, then you might be interested that this week the white house had a maple-scented visitor. >> today, obama welcomes trudeau to the oval office for the first time.
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>> canada's young, enhanced new prime minister justin trudeau arrived with wife sowf yand three kids for tonight's steak dinner at the white house. >> trevor: ain't no party like a canada party because a canada party is respectful and ends promptly at 10:30. (applause) on the dot. now, there has been a buzz, or a lot of buzz, really, over canada's new prime minister justin trudeau about how magnetic and charismatic he is. to be honest, i don't see it. i honestly don't see it. i mean, look, the guy is sort of attractive, you know, like the way his hair falls and, you know, those eyes you could get lost in and the square jaw of a mountie. you know, if you're into that kind of thing. so, fine, he's an 8. (laughter) by politician standards he's, like, some number we haven't even discovered yet. well, they have discovered it in canada because their schools are way better. (audience reacts) but still, the point is -- the point is, you see, if you're
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canadian you would have seen that joke coming. (laughter) but, still, the point is, why are people losing their heads? just because he's not the usual political stuffed shirt? >> i was a snowboard instructor, i was a bouncer in a nightclub, a white water river guide for many years, i worked as a teacher. >> trevor: why do i suddenly have an urge to throw my panties at the screen? i don't even wear panties. >> just the other day the prime minister was cuddling the panda at the zoo (audience reacts) >> trevor: are you happy! are you happy! (cheers and applause) i've never had these feelings to anyone, eh! and my favorite thing about prime minister trudeau -- >> four years into his political career, he chose an unusual way to prove he was more than the spoiled son of canadian royalty.
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he turned an annual charity boxing match into a political opportunity, challenging patrick brazeau as senator from the opposition who had a black belt incraty. canadians took one look at the twof them and said trudeau had lost his mind. >> trevor: hold on. i thought it was weird enough that this guy who was a canadian polcanwe talk a second just about this guy? what the hell is going on? are canadian voters electing people straight out of the expendables? what's going on? he looks like he should be guarding a door at a strip club, not anything in government. (laughter) by the way, what's crazy is trudeau kicked that guy's ass. yeah, he kicked his ass and he made a political point! (applause) so he's tough, ripped and friends with pandas. i mean, surely there is nothing else this man can do to make you love him even more. >> prime minister trudeau has allowed a 25,000 syrian refugees
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to enter into the country. that is something that the united states has not done. >> trevor: and he loves refugees?! (cheers and applause) ahhh! ahhh! you happy now? you have all of me! take it all, trudeau! (cheers and applause) moving on. religion. a system of core beliefs that units us all and trying to prove whose god is the dopist. one american town is in the midst of the battle. ronny chang filed this report. >> for thousands of years, jews, muslims and christians have been fighting ability which book is right about god stuff like jersey housewives of the middle east and now 400 years of religious warfare coming to america. >> blending of christians, jews and muslims.
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>> the try-faith initiative in omaha, nebraska, is opening a synagogue, church and mosque in the same location. i sat down with the rabbi, the reverend and the muslim guy in charge to find out what the hell they were thinking. >> we fundamentally think peace is possible and feel this can be a model for others. >> trevor: don't you think it's arrogant to fly in the face of 1400 years of hating each other? >> religions do not teach us to hate, religions teach us to hug. >> does it make you want to kill him? >> hug him. they were one step of jihadding a crew said all over each other. doesn't anyone in omaha see how dangerous this is? >> innocent people will die. thank you. this is mark christian, president of the global faith institute. he used to be a muslim and you will never guess what religion mark christian converted to. >> i was a sunni muslim and a now a follower of christ. i'm a two-faithed kind of
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person. >> you're two-faced, yeah. two-faithed. you have two different personalities. >> faithed. not faces. >> two. faith. after a another half hour of pronunciation less sense we got down to the scary (bleep). muslims and christians and jews do not agree on their ideology whatsoever. the radical muslims and jihadist will find any reason to keel kyl many people in the try-faith ministry. >> see, terrorists hate cooperation. when yieth hears about this, they will drop everything and head straight for omaha, if they can find it. >> i know it seems like a good idea, like kfc mixed with taco bell and pizza hut, fantastic on paper but will slowly kill all of us. >> there are three of us and we're the faces of kind of like three guys who have fallen in love with this same woman but this woman's love is greater and vaster than our own that she can
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have a relationship with all of us. >> foursome, got it. no. and it's a lot of fun having a foursome. >> there is a lot of fun taking place when three great faiths come together and acknowledge they worship the same god. >> come together, yeah. he's going to be pretty pissed when he realizes why we just high-fifed. these are just three progressive fun loving dude who want to party down with the weird ghost thing they all believe in. think of the practicality, like a religious tou turducken. how do you fit a church and synagogue and muslim into one building. >> they have a each building. will be separate? each faith communities are existing in separate facilities. >> this is not the taco and donut shop you dratted created before. >> the big deal?
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globally, two out of three muslims wants to overthrow the government and apply sharia law and live under the leadership of islamic state. >> i knew it. i had to warn them about the scary muslim guy. i'm sorry, can you cover your ears one second? thank you. listen, two out of every three muslim wants time pose sharia law on the entire world. >> that's ridiculous first, and second fundamentalist of all stripes want to impose their views on all the world. >> who told you this lie? can i stop you guys? sir, you're being really aggressive now and i need you to take it down a few notches. >> okay, as many notches as you like. >> these guys talk a big game of tolerance. what happens if mark christian is right? what happens if they do get attacked? >> we will stand together and defend ourselves and support each other. >> with your guns and bombs. e don't need any guns. we have ideas. >> i'm not going to lie. you're scaring the (bleep) out of me right now. >> i don't mean to.
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they just wouldn't give up. there was only one thing that could take down the tri-faith initiative. every relationship i have had has been destroyed by trying to what to watch on netflix. >> madmen. homeland. as i expected, they were falling apart. >> i used to like girls and then i gave up on h.b.o. >> no way. portlandia? yeah. easier than i thought. if a jew, a christian and muslim can walk into a war and it's not a joke and they don't kill each other, maybe there is hope for peace in the middle east -- of america. >> trevor: ronny chang, everybody. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪
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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! you know, guys, we've gotten to m%aq!e past yearp so well over (laughter) i mean, at this point, he's practically a member of the family, specifically the uncle who hits on your wife at funerals. but there is so much about trump that remains unexamined and that's why tonight we're introducing a new segment where we spotlight an obscure moment from trump's past. >> i could do this all day. got involved in politics beyond -- >> and i believe in trashing your enemies. >> i look in that fat ugly face of hers and say rosy, you're fired. (applause) >> trevor: pure gems. today's lost trump nugget, a 1999 interview with the "new york times" in which trump shares his thoughts on poor people. but before we get to that, let's acknowledge donald trump spent a lot of time boasting about his tremendous wealth.
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in fact, according to this pie chart we made up, trump devoted a full 58% of his campaign the telling us how rich he is. (laughter) yet trump has also managed to attract the support of many low-income voters as trump himself will attest. >> actually, the people i resonate the best with are poor people and people who are really blue collar. my base and the people who like me best are poor people and working class people and i'm very proud of that. >> trevor: it makes sense. opposites attract. it's the same reason why bern and ernie can't stop (bleep). it's a thing. (laughter) but it's true. poor people love trump. in fact, among the poorest 50 counties in the united states that have voted thus far, trump has won 45 of them, and one of the things they love most about trump is his honesty. >> trump dominating among voters looking for a political outsider who tells it like it.
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>> he doesn't care what people think. >> trump speaks the truth. he's not politically correct and he says what is on his mind. >> trevor: yep, he says what is on his mind (mocking) and people are looking for a president with the guts to tell mexicans they're rapists! take that, ab abraham lincoln, u coward rm plaids trump think about his base? let's book look up a the interview with the "new york times." i watched politicians bragging about how poor they are and i said to myself -- if they can stay so poor for so many generations, maybe this isn't the kind of person we want to be electing to higher office. how smart can they be? it's a rhetorical question, but lab rates -- they're morons. (laughter) incredible. donald trump told the newspaper that he thinks poor people, the
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people voting now for him in droves are morons. something a cartoonishly evil comic book villain would say -- people are morons now get out to have the soup kitchen so i can bull doze it to build a water park for my pet tiger! (laughter) and just in case trump's disdain for the poor wasn't entirely clear, he goes on to say, do you want someone who gets to be president and that's literally the highest-paying job he's ever had? yeah, so, in other words, trump wants america to be a blu plutocracy. trump thinks basically a normal-income person can't be president. if you don't earn rich money, you will be (bleep) all over the white house, running around, secret service will say, what are you doing? you go, i don't know, i'm middle class. my kids are in public school! (laughter) no one slamming your fan base
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would destroy a candidate but we know that's not going to happen to trump. once trump is presidential, this segment will become illegal. there you have it. we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) people used to ask where's the beef? and wendy's always had. the. answer. but now... where's the beef? means something different. because some use beef frozen from as far away as australia. "what's wrong with australia" but if you ask wendy's the juiciest hamburgers are made with beef
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my son and i used to watch the red carpet shows on tv now, i'm walking them. life is unpredictable being flake free isn't. because i have used head and shoulders for 20 years. used regularly, it removes up to 100% of flakes keeping you protected live flake free for life (cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back! my guest tonight is emmy nominated host of "top chef" and author. her new book scald love, loss and what we ate. please welcome padma lakshmi! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> a girl can get used to that. (laughter) >> trevor: you just come here every day. you should just come here every day, collect applause and then be on your way.
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welcome to the show. >> you don't have to ask me twice (laughter) >> trevor: welcome to the show. thanks for joining me. >> thanks for having me. i haven't ever been on "the daily show." i've always envied people who have come on here. so thanks for finally letting me in the door. >> trevor: i'm sure people envy your life. they'd swap with you. you have lived quite a life. you were born in india, lived in los angeles, lived in london, new york city, you have been everything from a model, a chef, a tv personality and now author. why and how? how did you come to be this person? >> well, it's a long story, but it's in that book. (laughter) >> trevor: you know what, let's go over specifics in the book. one thing i did pick up in this book is how -- and i connected with that -- is how being a traveler of the world has shaped who you are as a person. >> absolutely. i mean, i'm not a chef, but i'm a food writer. i wouldn't be able to do what i do if i didn't have the life that i did. when i published my first
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cookbook, all these haters were, like, what the hell does a model know about food? which i can understand. but i always loved to eat, and i wouldn't be able to do what i do if i hadn't had that career as a model because that afforded me the ability to travel to all these exotic and beautiful places from bali to seychelles to paris, what have you. >> trevor: it's funny, when you say that, i'm picturing the haters. and you're going, i traveled the world. they're going, yeah, you traveled the world denying the food. no, no! (laughter) >> first of all, when i was a model 20 years ago, you didn't have to be quite as thin as you do now and, you know, we're freaks of nature. like, it's not normal to be 5'9" and weigh 115 pounds. >> trevor: one thing i picked up from the book
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that honestly was surprising, i guess two themes, really, one, a very strong feminist point of view talking really about body shaming, about the ideas behind what the ideal female body is and also yourself talking about your scar. that's a side of you i think a about. >> you know, most of my family has graduate degrees and some of my distant relatives have nobel prizes. so, after college, i spent most of my 20s modeling and i know for a fact that is no accomplishment of my own, that the alchemy of the genetics that my parents gave to me. >> trevor: yeah. so i was in my late 20s, making a career change, not knowing where i was going but knew i wanted to do something more meaningful and the first step of that was showing my scar and being open about my scar. i know a lot of young girls look at those magazines and think that's how they need to be, and those aren't their genetics. so i did suffer a lot of guilt or mixed feelings about how i had made my living. >> trevor: sort of perpetuating the idea behind
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what you see is -- >> exactly. and it's not an accident that 95% of people who have anorexia are women. that's a fact. also, now, having spent ten years on american television, i can tell you that people talk about my appearance a lot more than they talk about tom calicio's appearance because he's a man. nobody asks him how he keeps his figure on "top chef," right? (applause) that's fine. lucky for the show, i happen to be a really vain bitch, so -- (laughter) -- so i want to look good, and i have three people whose sole job it is to make me look good, and they have dresses in four sizes because i gained, like, 17 pounds. i consume a (bleep) load of food on the show and what it takes me six weeks to gain, it takes me 12 weeks, at least, to lose. i have a lot in common with the canadian justin trudeau. i, too, box.
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putting it out there. (applause) >> trevor: really fascinating. but i have a crush on him, too. him and the pope. i know it's sad to say. (laughter) i'm not even catholic, but i'm kind of sweet on the pope. i think he's a really cool pope. >> trevor: it's the hat. (laughter) it's the hat. the season finale of "top chef" airs thursday, march 17, 9:00 p.m. on bravo. and "love, loss and what we ate" is available now. padma lakshmi, everyone! (cheers and applause) ♪ hey there, can i help you with anything? hey siri, what's at&t's latest offer? oh, i don't think that siri can... right now, switch to at&t for an iphone and get one free. wow, is that right? yeah, it's basically... yes. that is the current offer from at&t. okay siri, you don't know everything. well, i know you asked me to call you the at&t hostess with the mostest. okay, shut her down. turn it off. right now, buy an iphone and get another one free when you add a second line.
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(cheers and applause) >> trevor: that's all we have time for. join us next week at 11:00. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> it would be a disaster for cruz if donald trump wins the state of texas and caroline, my 7-year-old who has no interest in politics, jumps up on the couch, sticks both fingers in her years and goes, "not gonna happen♪


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